Sunday, November 28, 2004

Talking with Santa

So AOL has this deal in which you can talk to santa on AIM! here is my conversation with the fat guy.

MainOffender986: hello
SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AIM! Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy". Now, streeeeetch that window and let's get started.
So, have you been naughty or nice?
MainOffender986: naughty
SantaClaus: Oh my! Well, there is always time left to get on my good list... ... and if you do, you will find a special free gift here for you on Dec. 22! To get in the spirit, type menu.
MainOffender986: no thanks
SantaClaus: No?
MainOffender986: nope
SantaClaus: O.K. Scrooge. Type menu to try a fresh start.
MainOffender986: no
SantaClaus: Clearly this is not getting you in the Christmas spirit.Let's start over. Type menu and we'll pretend like nothing happened.
MainOffender986: no
SantaClaus: I'm sorry then. Why don't you type, menu for a list of things the elves have left for you?
MainOffender986: santa you are not real
SantaClaus: Well, are you real? I'm here talking to you. Of course, I'm real.
MainOffender986: how can you type so fast
SantaClaus: Oh dear, how should I know?
MainOffender986: could you help me out?
SantaClaus: You can always type menu to get a fresh start. The elves have left some help-notes there.
MainOffender986: i have to do this power point presentation on falconry and i dont feel like doing it
SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?
MainOffender986: could you do it for me
SantaClaus: Never.
MainOffender986: satan what did you mean by "SantaClaus: Never. "
SantaClaus: That's a good question, Santa is no hypocrite: I've been on my best behavior, all year.
MainOffender986: what
SantaClaus: Hmm... What, what?
MainOffender986: are you on drugs?
SantaClaus: You're full of mischief.
MainOffender986: and sperm
SantaClaus: Pardon me?
MainOffender986: what
SantaClaus: Well, we're asking you to try asking us another way because I might better understand.
MainOffender986: you said i am full of mischief, so i said i was full of other things
SantaClaus: I did? I believe you. Sorry, I am talking to so many people that the elves cannot keep track sometimes.
MainOffender986: what are you full of
SantaClaus: I am the one and only Santa Claus. Pleased to meet you.
MainOffender986: you already said hello
SantaClaus: I'm glad you're here. Have you done something to spread the holiday spirit to someone in need today?
MainOffender986: Well first of all i told kids you are not real
SantaClaus: As long as you believe in me, I will be real.
MainOffender986: real
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
MainOffender986: not real
SantaClaus: May I ask you a question?
MainOffender986: ok
SantaClaus: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
MainOffender986: nope
SantaClaus: Not cool. Please try to remember others during this holiday season. There are many places on the Internet you can search to find ways to get involved with giving time, money or your stuff.
Now type SL to make a Shopping List -- and I think you should add The Needy to your list!
MainOffender986: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
SantaClaus: O.K. now, all of this is making me a bit dizzy.
MainOffender986: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
SantaClaus: Who, what?
MainOffender986: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
SantaClaus: I'm sorry, you've got to stop doing the same thing over and over again. The elves are getting dizzy!
MainOffender986: why
SantaClaus: Why don't you tell me?
MainOffender986: is it because you are on drugs?
SantaClaus: Well that's hard to say. Ask an elf.
MainOffender986: ok elf, is santa on drugs
SantaClaus: I've got all I can handle.
MainOffender986: why, does santa beat you?
SantaClaus: I'm sorry, I really don't know.
MainOffender986: does he drink alot and than hit you
SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, menu.
MainOffender986: do you believe in jesus?
SantaClaus: In you, of course!
MainOffender986: you believe that jesus is inside me?
SantaClaus: In goodness, the promise of all children, a future of peace, and magic!
MainOffender986: black magic?
SantaClaus: :)
MainOffender986: i dont
SantaClaus: O.K. then. Well, have a merry Christmas in any case.
MainOffender986: ok i will
SantaClaus: Cool.
MainOffender986: jerk
SantaClaus: Be nice.
MainOffender986: have you ever beat an elf
SantaClaus: Love them.
MainOffender986: love to beat them
SantaClaus: Whatever Mrs. Claus tells them to.
MainOffender986: anything
SantaClaus: Why did you say that?
MainOffender986: what does mrs. claus do to them
SantaClaus: Elves are my magical companions.
MainOffender986: how so?
SantaClaus: Well you could try putting your finger on the side of your nose -- but it took me 400 years of practice.
MainOffender986: and snort cocaine

6 comments:

Cynda said...

you have way too much time on your hands

Dave said...

lmao

Nancy said...

hahahahaha that's the funniest thing ever

Ken said...

Pat, did you not get your Weenie Whistle when you were a kid?

Patrick Schneider said...

More fun

MainOffender986: you suck
SantaClaus: Hey. You're back. Stretch that window and fire away.
MainOffender986: i dont like you
SantaClaus: O.K. then. Well, have a merry Christmas in any case.
MainOffender986: i am going to go masterbate
SantaClaus: Excellent! Don't forget to come back here on Dec 22. for your free gift!. Now, to get to the fun, type menu.
MainOffender986: santa will you watch me?
SantaClaus: Ah, watches make great gifts. I'm hoping for a new pocket watch this year.
If you're looking to buy gifts, start your search here: Search for watches
MainOffender986: no, will you look at me while masterbating
SantaClaus: You've got a one track mind.
MainOffender986: yeah
SantaClaus: Without a doubt?
MainOffender986: yes
SantaClaus: Indeed
MainOffender986: ok
SantaClaus: OK. Merry Christmas.
MainOffender986: i dont believe in christmas
SantaClaus:
Ok, I'll bet the next thing you're going to tell me is that you don't believe in flying reindeer either.
MainOffender986: i dont
SantaClaus: I'm sorry then. Why don't you type, menu for a list of things the elves have left for you?
MainOffender986: i dont believe in elves
SantaClaus: Oh, no? Just who do you think you're talking to?
MainOffender986: i thought you were human
SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, music, maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit
MainOffender986: a human or a robot
SantaClaus: This thing is crazy. I hope they don't try to make a robot version of me one day! Robosapien
MainOffender986: i do
SantaClaus: May I ask you a question?
MainOffender986: ok
SantaClaus: Have you set up a Wish List for others to see?
MainOffender986: yes
SantaClaus: OK, how about a Shopping List -- have you set one up so you can track who you have to buy for this year?
MainOffender986: i only recieve gifts
SantaClaus: Excuse me?
MainOffender986: you head me bitch
SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.

Katie said...

Oh...my goodness.
Pat, that is amazing.
I am speechless.
I almost fell over, it was THAT funny.
Well done.
Ha.