Saturday, January 22, 2005

A Wild And Crazy Night for The Points Princess Who After This Post Will Probably Be Renamed The Pointless Princess

So I went to listen to a lecture tonight. Given by a MacArthur fellow PhD teaching at MIT who has written at least two books. And it was useless. She spent 45 minutes discussing semantics of biology before ending with the "bold" statement that, beginning in the 21st century, genes should cease to be a noun and become a verb. Yeah. So then I spent five minutes trying to decide whether to go to the shindig tonight. After Scott told me they had procured the blowup doll I had suggested for Ken's birthday present, I knew I had to go (too bad Cory popped it full of holes, then likened his victory to that of Jesus in the temple). So Mapquest told me to take Broadway till I could turn right on 26. I followed Broadway until it ceased to exist. Then I turned around and drove until I found Burnside. I took Burnside and made a schreeching turn onto Skyview. [It was dark, and kinda foggy, and I had The Joshua Tree going, so I had Bono mocking me with "Where the Streets Have No Names" and "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for"] But it was dark and looking very unfamiliar, so I turned around and hit up Burnside, which I took to get on Barnes. While driving it became apparent that there was an animal running directly in front of my car, by my speedometer doing about 32. It was a small golden retriever. I tried to get closer to see if I could somehow get him in my car because I knew he was gonna get hit. This made him veer into the other lane, so I slowed down again. While trying to think, I saw him run into the oncoming lane again, against the traffic. There was a car that didn't see him coming, and neither he nor the dog was changing course. I yelled stop. Of course that did nothing and I was sure I was going to see a dog die. With absolutely no time to spare (I swear the car must have grazed him) the dog jumped aside. A police car, with its sirens on, passed me and the dog without stopping. I parked my car in the turn lane, hit the hazard lights, and went running after the dog, who I had determined did not have a collar and seemed to be the dog equivalent of high on PCP. But then I remembered my keys and went to get them so my car wouldn't get stolen. When I turned back, the dog had disappeared. A guy in an SUV told me he went up this hill. I ran up it but didn't see him and ran back to get my car, jumping off a retaining wall. A guy in the bus stop asked me if it was my dog. I brilliantly said "No, but someone's gotta get him." So I drove around these gated neighborhoods trying to find the dog. But he was gone. So I went back to Barnes, found 217 and made it to Cynda's. Thus bypassing 26. I was going way too fast the whole time, taking a lot of sharp curves. The West Hills are fun. But that dog thing really scared me. That was why I sat aloof when I got there. Adrenaline makes you do weird stuff.

But I'm glad I made it. The destination was more important than the journey.

GirlTalk asked me to write a list of what song made me think of each person in the room. Some actually do remind me of the person, some were meant to be funny, and some were based on name recognition/are good, underrated songs. And some Pat helped on. I tried to make it diverse. But it's a shitty list, and made me want to realize the plan I had last year to make a real, quality list. Anyway,

The List:
Nancy: Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
Cynda: Like a Hurricane by Neil Young
Karolyn: Get Low by Lil John
Misha: Fuck the Police by N.W.A.
Erin: Who Let the Dogs Out by the Baha Men
Adrianna: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Greenday
Alex: Superfreak by Rick James
Pat: Desperado by The Eagles
Jeff: Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy by Big and Rich
John: Johnny Strikes Up the Band by Warren Zevon
Rachel: Little Rachel by Eric Clapton
Doug: Iron Man by Black Sabbath
Dave: My Sharona by The Knack
Scott: American Pie by Don McLean
Kent: Lowrider by Cypress Hill
Malori: Freebird by Lynard Skynard
Magda: North Country Girl by Bob Dylan

Yeah, needs revising, new list by Monday hopefully, I already know most of the changes but Magda and Cynda wanted an unedited version. I'll make it more complete too. Is 'What's the Frequency Kenneth' for Ken too easy/cliche? Yes, yes it is. It'll be a good list.

post script
Rachel, the reason you have never heard of Sweet Baby Rachel is that the song is actually Little Rachel. I was thinking of the right song (it's off of There's One in Every Crowd, you've probably heard it) but for some reason my brain combined it with James Taylor's Sweet Baby James. Which of course is the song that reminds me of Stuber. Sorry for the mixup. I was going to give you Like A Hurricane, but I remembered this Clapton blues song and knew I could put Like a Hurricane for Cynda because she's like a hurricane. It's a better fit for you, though. I've seen your brown eyes turn to fire. But then again I could burn multiple CDs of songs that remind me of you, same for a couple other people. But people like Erin, man was I reaching. Which reminds me. The official winner of GirlTalk was Misha, but the winner of the most respect would have to be Adrianna, for licking Jeff's face. Goodnight folks, sorry again Nancy. I hope you liked the song though. I really like it. When I'm at Purdue and the sun ain't shining, I'm gonna hop a bus for Penn and visit you.

post post script
And I totally forgot Cory, which serves him right for being such a prick. Haha, another pun!


Anonymous said...

interesting hierarchical arrangements. temple entrance below. emerge now.

Adrianna said...

The only word I can find to describe the party last night was "jumpin'." Ben, well done, well done... the songs are awesome. Hooray for Green Day! I'll do my best here to fill you in on the details of what happened before you showed up. This includes the EPIC SAGA OF THE BLOWUP DOLL.

So I showed up, Finnzilla in tow (okay, she drove me there 'cause I am not very good at the driving), at about 7-ish to discover that the guys-- namely, Doug, Scott, and a few nameless benefactors (Jeff and Alex I think) were conspiring to buy Ken a blowup doll for his wonderful 18th birthday. Eventually, the plan hatched into a fullblown snack-foods-and-porno run. Scott and Rachel led the charge because they were 18 and thus had the legal right to enter porn establishments all over the nation, nay, the WORLD. Doug tagged along because he's Doug, which means he enjoys porn and snack food. Oh yeah, and he knew where the porn shop was. I came along because I had 20 bucks and I was bored. What followed was... memorable.

So, we hopped into Scott's car and rocked out to the Team America World Police soundtrack as we tried to find the stupid porn shop. We also bought frozen pizza which was yummy and also cheap at $1.99 a pie. Oooh, and Skittles and M&Ms. Along the way, we were really disgusting and I thought about what would happen if we ran into someone we knew at the porn place. Do you say "whassup?" or do the head nod or just run away and vomit if that sort of thing happens? The world will (fortunately) never know.

We arrived at the purple-and-green neon-highlighted porn store on a dark and quite foggy night. Doug and I, being underage, were kind of timid about trying to go in. Actually, I was freaked out and Doug was excited for some reason. Scott and Rachel were within their legal rights but I think that they were pretty grossed out too. Anway, we pushed open the door with the "pardon our dust, we're remodeling" sign on it to reveal a store of really gross and perverted crap that smelled like cigarette smoke and other things which I can't identify because I seriously have no clue as to what they are. Glancing around in the toys section, I was the first to spot a head in a box, which turned out to be a $100 blowup doll that had a vibrating head. That was a little bit out of the reach of the collective buying power of the group, so we looked further and found one for 34 bucks. Scott bravely purchased it from the dude at the counter who looked up and dryly said "Oh, so you've got a big party tonight?" Giggling like retards, we ran the hell out of there.

Doug blew up and held onto the blowup doll all the way back to Cynda's. We pulled near a cop once so Doug had to hide it in his lap. When implored to put the doll down, he said the now famous words, "But it doesn't go down! Oh wait, yes it does." And perversion, perversion, perversion. Et cetera.

Ken was... um... yeah suprised by his gift, which he found waiting for him in Cynda's bathroom. He dressed it up in some clothes to make it more decent (and to hide two of its three "love holes"), but then Cory stabbed it in the leg. In order to save the plastic inflatable patient, Doug performed some quick triage and then amputated its damaged leg. That only saved it for a brief amout of time before Cory stabbed it into oblivion.

In conclusion, Cory you owe Scott $34. Oh yeah, and we are all perverts and that was gross but I will remember last night for a long time to come. Oh and I broke the law last night, which was cool. And perverted and gross. But cool nonetheless.

Scott said...

Lessons learned from the Saga of the Blow-Up Doll:

1) No matter what you tell the guy at the porn counter, he'll still think it's for you

2) Cory will destroy other people's property without remorse

3) Inflatable things that in no way resemble humans cost way too much

4) Albertson's sells pizza for probably too little

5) Porn shops apparently show episodes of The Simpsons on their TVs...of all things...

6) If I ever get a leg blown off, I really want Doug around

Cory said...

I could say a lot about that blow-up doll, but here I only want to clear up the issue of the money. In no way do I owe Scott or any of the other contributors for destroying Ken's property. Scott made the point that he went through the work to get it, but if you wanted to be reimbursed for its demise, you should have thought of that before you gave it away. Once you give someone a gift, it's no longer yours. As such, I will settle the issue of money with Ken.

Rachel said...

Thanks for the clear-up Ben, I have heard of the song, "Little Rachel" but I tried to search the lyrics to Sweet Baby Rachel last night and came up with nothing, other than "Little Rachel" and some instrumental piece called "Rachel's Song"...anyways thank you for my song, that was probably the best dare of them all.

Although adrianna licking jeff's face was...interesting; and i realized how uncomforable it is to switch socks with pat, but probably true of anyone else.

Nancy said...

I do like the song! It's very sweet. Oh and please do visit me Ben, that would rock.

The party was amazing. I'm gonna go update Hibiscus now.

Doug said...

With others covering most everything else, another recount of the quest for Betty, who became Amputee Anne her leg was heinously stabbed by Cory, who obviously wasn't aware that there are specially designed holes for penetration.

Signs at DK Wild's
(The Porn Shop)

"We have a trained and knowledgable staff"

"Don't attempt at home, we are professionals"

And of Course:
"Noone under 18
ID required"

HAHA, note to self: Porn shops really don't card. At least this one didn't.

Scott said...

Well, considering it was just one guy working there, and I don't think he could care less about the job as a whole. Not that it's the most desirable job around anyway. Imagine the clientel.

Adrianna said...

Imagine the job interview.

Malori said...

I know this was a while ago, but I'm posting about Ken and Nancy's birthday party. (Obviously...) Anyway, that was a super-fun night, complete with GirlTalk and the controversial popping of...was Betty "her" name? Well, I don't blame Cory. I know that some of you who bought it were kind of pissed, but I don't think Cory popping it was that big of a deal. Ken didn't seem to care. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Ken.) I mean, were you guys actually expecting Ken to take it home with him when he left anyway? Cory's motives - the belief that it was degrading and an abomination - were, in my opinion, valid. Yes, I can see becoming upset when something you spent $34 on is destroyed within hours of the purchase, especially by someone other than the intened recipient. And yes, I can see the humor in giving a friend a naked blow up doll for his 18th birthday. But the basic idea of "Betty" - the objectification of women and the tacit message that women are good for one thing and one thing only (sex) - is indeed degrading. I understand that it was only a joke. It is obviously not meant to be taken seriously. Just the same, I can both respect and relate to those, such as Cory, who find it offensive. I don't think you guys purchasing it was a huge deal. I don't think you guys are perverts or anything either. Its just that personally, I woudn't make a purchase at a porn shop, largely because I have moral objections to supporting a business that, in my opinion, reduces the puspose of sex and sexuality to selfish pleasure. The basic purpose of this post: I don't think Cory popping "Betty" was anything to become upset over. No need for anger towards anybody.