Saturday, December 10, 2005

Coffee House

Props to Nolan Gary for giving me his ticket. He walked in anyway. Real lax security this time. Not very crowded either.

Ellen Nye and Alex Ward made great hosts. They started out Coffee House with Ellen sitting aside as Alex obnoxiously eats a whole slice of pizza, while Michael Laos keeps shouting out, "That is so Michael Bauer!" Alex later explains Michael Bauer really is an obnoxious eater. I enjoyed it. Alex also had a couple really funny stories about concussions that his dad caused him to have.

Real creative acts this time. I can't remember all of them, so I'll talk about my favorite one.

Some senior guy started beat boxing into the mike, then looped it. He did it really, really, well. Then he plays a bass run on his guitar for accompaniment, and loops that too. Then he raps an MC Hammer song, PERFECTLY. He throws some guitar solos into it too. Wow.

Then he plays a song that he wrote. He played an accompaniment, looped it and played over it. And he did that a lot. And they always came together perfectly. Meanwhile, he sang in it too. He's even a good singer. Toward the end he had a guitar solo where he used used this really cool effect: you heard what he played about a second after he played it, and when it came out, the best description I can think of for it is that it sounded like a violin with distortion that blended all the notes together. My brother tells me that was probably a synthesizer. Anywho, he can play faster than anyone else I've ever seen.

You've probably guessed it. Ben, you probably had it by the time you read "some senior guy," since you read me like an open book. It's Michael Bauer. I couldn't think of how to start this review. I wanted it to be a "this was an awesome act" post, as opposed to a "I love Michael Bauer" post, so I left his name out til now.

PS. I went snow boarding today. I reminded my self of those really fat guys I've seen on Comedy Central that give really good monologues about their experience with sports. I found can almost do everything pretty well on the Buttercup Run. I was starting to get the hang of it by the end. Plus, I can do a really killer face plant.

Other PS: Here's some student's application to NYU that Alex read during Coffee House.


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I've been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

PPS: Longest PS ever (as far as I can tell)! Beat that Ben!

1 comment:

Ben said...

Well, I will at one point beat that post script, but I hafta honestly say you had me pretty well fooled about the mystery senior, at least for awhile. Guess I need to see those Irish eyes twinkle to know that you're up to mischief.

post script
Yes, I know that sounded gay, but there is some quote about Irish eyes laughing when they're up to trouble and Cory is fairly Irish.

So get back, get back, you don't know me like that!