Thursday, July 13, 2006

Man's Club Rules?

I found these rules on a website I frequent, thought I'd share 'em for the benefit of The Man's Club. Append/Edit as you see fit.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, had sex with your sister/mother or ran over your dog on purpose, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
22a. Always follow the public urinal bylaws;
i. When multiple urinals are open, never take one next to another male
ii. When available, always take a urinal next to a wall or stall to minimize proximity, unless violating Rule 22a-i.
iii. Alway choose the urinal with the greatest distance from another user(s)

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: Pull out

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd


Anonymous said...

Im assuming this does not apply to Metrosexual, Bisexual, or Homosexual men...

And what if its your best friend's brother, for a girl? Is that off limits?

Where the hell are the women's club rules?

Scott said...

Since someone didn't have the guts to post under a name, I feel no moral quandry over the statement that the term Metrosexual man is contradictory. This is Men's Club, not a knitting circle.

As for women's club, make up your own answer.

Ben said...

devon, you are the rfk to my jfk

Chuck said...

all are good but #28

Shinekaze said...

I thought about making a special provision under article 28 just for you, Chuck. So how about this revision:

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever, except when supporting friends who are involved in the sport.

Oh, and Scott, I agree.

Ben, let's hope we don't get poked quite as full of holes as that set of brothers eh?

Chuck said...

good work, devon. you see how efficient man's club is? if this was women's club, it probably would have taken at least 8 group discussions at Starbucks to sort that one out...

Misha said...

i resent that chuck. well, i would, if there were a women's club. but i probably wouldn't be a part of it anyway, so my objection is really just illogical and unjustified

Misha said...

and is 23 the reason i can't keep any of you on the phone for long? i had wondered

the funny part is that i have a very hard time believing that *any* of you fit this mold...or have guts or balls, as the rules define them.

Shinekaze said...

I don't know whether to make light of Misha's comment abotu the phone, or to I should be wary of a hidden barb in an intricate web.

Chuck said...

feel free to call me up anytime and tell me your life story ;)

Ken said...

I probably have guts, but that balls definition verges on stupid. If you've already bought the cow there's no sense in throwing the milk away like that.

6: Friends don't let friends drink Beast.
12: Unfair and needs revision. Unless he's Pat, the other guy will almost certainly feel like he's in "moral peril" before I do.
14: Unless friends are passed out on your couch, in which case a whole new set of rules apply.
26: Or rent, or drive, or touch. No loopholes.

Anonymous poster, if you really want, and if you know someone in the Witness Protection business, I can draft some "Women's Club" rules.

Anonymous said...

yes please.

Chuck said...

women's club


Misha said...

there is no women's club. but if there were, i would not place the rule making responsibility in the hands of kenneth.