Monday, June 30, 2008

i did that...

I was playing volleyball with friends when a 777 flew overhead so i got excited - "i did that. that left wing- that was me!" but let me backup- this little autobiographical occupational history ought to put it all in context.

at my first ever interview, the interviewer said, "so what do you think you can bring to the company?"
i said, "well, i have a stapler.... i don't have a whole lot else. that's kind of why i was hoping you could give me a job."

i ended up getting that job... at mcdonalds and every year they have a quick employee review. so they said, "what are your short term and long term goals?"

i answered, "well, my short term goal is to stay awake while your talking to me...
and my long term goal is to steal an entire Xerox machine, one piece at a time."

i ended up losing that job over one silly little disagreement with my boss. you see, i wanted to keep my job, and they didn't see eye to eye with me on that one little issue.

one of them said i kept overstepping my authority. so i told him he's fired.
or here's another one -
"i see you've been missing a lot of work lately."
"I wouldn't exactly say i've been MISSING it."
"I can't believe you'd talk to your boss that way."
"oh you're right. i wouldn't say i've been missing it, SIR."
yeah, she didn't like that.

i think they got sick of my sarcasm. "what? that's it? after one year of faithful service, it's just 'so long, good luck'?" he says, "I don't recall saying good luck."

so i picked up my pride and my bags and headed to seattle, to write excel macros to format and analyze data and to plagiarize other comedians' monologues. i was sad to learn George Carlin died. but i was to honored to read that a guy running and smiling in the rain and in short shorts reminded A of me (that's me to the T). seriously. so honored in fact, i couldn't just put a comment on her post cause it might not have gotten read cause it was a while ago cause i scroll back to the last post i read than i get all caught up every three months. so thank you A. tty in September.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Pattycakes Log Dance

Our beloved Pattycakes demonstrating that little something that makes him oh so special to us all.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Which Came First?

(God I love procrastination! Also, $60 Polaroid digital cameras apparently don't have a "focus" option. )

(PS Someone walked into my room and shouted "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??" like I was making a bomb or committing murder or something while I was doing this. Don't judge.)

Monday, June 09, 2008

The MC 200: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Winnebago

So I ran from Madison to Chicago this weekend with 10 other people (okay, 22 miles of the 200 from Madison to Chicago). Through the storm of the century. In 90 degree weather and with 100% humidity. And slept in a Winnebago known as "THE WARRIOR." And had a pizza delivered to a parking lot at 11 o'clock at night. And learned exactly how disgusting a port-o-potty can be. And how disgusting Miller Chill tastes. And had to ask "do I smell burning?" one too many times. And got pissed off at Ham radio operators. And sat in a ditch with a bunch of other runners and played with a frog during one of two tornado watch holds on the course.

I also saw a guy who reminded me of Cory Donahue only like 20 years older. He wouldn't stop smiling, even when he was running across fresh 90-degree asphalt. He also had very short shorts. We got a shot of his butt cheeks. It was kind of awkward, not gonna lie. Still, a pretty cool guy.

Hood to Coast someday? Maybe. I have 48 hours of missed sleep to catch up on. Also, the Fox River flooded my work, so I really have nothing to do but call up the Red Cross and ask if they need a hand with sandbags or poo-shoveling or whatnot.

Good times. Can't wait to come back to Oregon in 3 weeks.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Horse Feathers/Starfucker/The Shaky Hands [live]

Holocene had its fifth birthday yesterday, so i mosey'ed over to see what I had been missing whilst not yet 21. All the bands were Portlanders, and The Shaky Hands are on the Holocene label, to my understanding.

Horse Feathers: Crowd was a little too loud for this, and the guitar was barely audible for half the performance, which made it all the more clear how integral the lead singer's unintelligible but very evocative vocals are to Horse Feathers. The violinist broke out the saw a couple times which was interesting. The new songs weren't too impressive, but then again it sure *looked* like some intricate finger-picking.

Starfucker: These guys are getting the shit hyped out of them, I kinda groaned when they took the stage because the three fellas all look like Brooklyn transplants, and things didn't improve much as they set forth an opening five minutes of noise barrage. But when they got started, it was pretty evident that they could write a helluva dance song. I guess if The Postal Service went a little more organic, and a lot happier, it would sound like this. The bassist/2nd drummer came pogo-ing out into the crowd and bumped into me a couple times. They got a huge ovation and I definitely wish they could have had a longer set.

The Shaky Hands: Gave them a second chance, and I don't know why, but they just don't sound good. Nice guys, fun to watch, but I hit the road after a half dozen songs when some kids from the burbs started moshing way way too hard. A fight kinda broke out and they killed a song and the lead singer was like 'go to a slipknot show man. actually, we're slipknot. we broke up, dumped the masks, and decided to kick it old school. good job.' They actually sounded better outside the club, so I hung out by the windows for a couple songs. Yeah, don't waste your time.

Monday, June 02, 2008

when the ads say that one in five american adults suffers from herpes, do you think they're including old people? because if they're not including old people, i'm not sure i want to leave the house anymore.