TRANSFORMERS

Ready for another mixed review of a major summer motion picture?

I am a Michael Bay fan. I wouldn't say he's one of my favorite directors, but I would say I enjoy all of his movies to varying degrees. I'm more forgiving of Pearl Harbor than most people are (it's not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I understand where its heart is at, I just feel like something went askew and they didn't quite deliver on what they'd hoped for), I enjoy most of Bad Boys and The Island, and I out-and-out LOVE The Rock, Bad Boys II, and ESPECIALLY Armageddon. I don't understand the arguments against the last two (The Rock is pretty much universally recognized as sweet)...Bad Boys II is supposed to be retarded, and it really does have just incredible action sequences, and Armageddon...I dunno. I love every piece of it. Especially the characters. And Michael Bay did wander into his one moment of genuine emotion in his entire career (a career in which he's attempted to find genuine emotion many, many times) when Bruce Willis says goodbye to his daughter. But that's all on Willis and especially Liv Tyler.

But people who say Michael Bay is the worst thing since the invention of cinema are just idiots. Never mind the scores of bad movies that have come out in the past, but look at frickin' Brett Ratner, who's not only content with making a third Rush Hour movie (which looks retarded, but not in that knowing way that Bad Boys II was), but also took a second to screw over the X-Men franchise. And then there's guys like Shawn Levy (who sat in the chair - and probably didn't do much else - on the sets of such films as Cheaper by the Dozen and the Pink Panther remake). You look at a Michael Bay film and, if you can't catch onto his knack for quickly establishing character, you can at least see all the work that was put into making the movie...the guy can make a film MOVE.

So I was out-of-my-mind eager to see Transformers. Not because I watched the cartoon all the time as a kid, and could probably still dig up my Optimus Prime action figure. But because it was the new Michael Bay movie. And Transformers is, if nothing else, an absolutely stunning summer action movie, the kind they just don't make that much anymore - it's frickin' HUGE. Everything about it is massive. The robots, the story, the action, everything just feels EPIC. This was the first movie this summer that's made me sit up and verbally express my amazement at the spectacle that was moving across the screen. And anytime the movie kicks into high gear (and it does this, thankfully, very very often), it moves into the realm of greatness.

But it's those other times that are the problem. And I know I shouldn't go into Transformers expecting a great human story, but a) I love the human story in Armageddon and at least ENJOY the characters in The Rock and Bad Boys II, and b) the movie spends a ridiculous amount of time trying to get us to give a damn about its human characters, especially Shia Lebeouf (who elevates his character so far past what's on the page that I became an instant fan) and Megan Fox (who...God damn is she a babe). But I swear I couldn't have cared less about either of them. And Megan Fox's character (Lord knows what her name was) was just saddled with modern-day female cliches...okay, I'm first in line for a movie featuring strong female characters, especially in major roles...I don't feel like I have to list my credentials here, but I love the shit out of Waitress and Marie Antoinette, and maybe my favorite cinematic moment this year is when the three girls kick the shit out of Kurt Russell in Death Proof, so make of that what you will, but it just pisses me off when they seem to just spin the wheel and give the girls in these movies the most random traits just to make the girls feel like they're a part of the action too. For example...Megan Fox is the daughter of a carjacker (or something), so she knows more about cars than most other guys (which intimidates them, so she doesn't mention it because she can't help falling for jerks with great abs - I think she actually says that part out loud), and later on uses this part of her past to drive a tow truck (backwards) with Bumblebee attached to it, who shoots the shit out of everything (that last part doesn't bother me, actually...it was pretty cool).

And once again, I know this sounds like I'm dwelling too much on the characters in a movie based on a line of toys, but the damn movie kept trying to make me care! And I couldn't. I didn't even like the damn robots that much until they started fighting each other. I love action movies to death, but it pisses me the hell off when they try to find character moments and drama but are just completely incapable of either.

I really am being unfairly negative about a movie I really did enjoy, but this was the stuff I got to thinking about over the last day or so. It's harder to just say "the action was effing amazing." Which it was...I mean, really...I watch a LOT of action movies, and there are very few that have achieved what Bay and his team have done here. For about 3/4 of the movie, I was on the edge of my seat, not 'cause I thought there was a chance the good guys would lose, but because God damn...did that just happen? No, it couldn't have, it was TOO awesome...oh, wait, it totally did though. Only in the time it took that thought to form, like twenty other ridiculous, mind-blowing, "did that just happen" moments frickin' just happened. There's a full-on 40-minute showdown between the Autobots (the good bots) and the Decepticons (the other guys) at the end of the movie in the middle of LA that was one of the best things I've seen all year. It's INCREDIBLE. This may be the best effect work I've ever seen, if only for the speed at which those things transform. There are two Decepticons that can fly, and there's like twelve times when they jump up in the air, transform, and fly away in the space of maybe a second. There's a GREAT aerial battle with one of them and some jets too.

The ONE thing I wish they did, action-wise, is a chase scene, or rather a driving battle. And I mean a BIG one. I know that seems ridiculously obvious, which is exactly why it should have happened. There are smaller bits where they drive around and transform at the same time, but I wish with everything in me there was like a nine-minute, Matrix Reloaded-style segment for that.

But all said, the best "summer movie" so far this summer. Sunshine's gonna kick its ass, or at least I hope it does (though from what I hear, that's more 2001 than Armageddon, but I think enough of the elements are in place to qualify it as a "summer movie"...and it comes out in a few weeks). I'm not a fan of the "turn your brain off, and you'll enjoy it," because a) that apologizes for what the person saying it secretly believes to be a bad movie, and b) if you do, you're gonna miss most of the action (it comes at you way faster than any of that fancy dialogue stuff in those other movies you kids are so fond of), but, really, it's like a ride (which is also a retarded thing to say)...strap in and enjoy the hell out of it.