Auto Show, A Style

I went to the Milwaukee Auto Show with a couple of mechanical engineering students and a pre-law student who used to work at a racetrack last night, so let's just say I was inspired to write about cars. Of course, it takes some brainstorming to write about such a broad topic. Which cars should I write about? The pretty ones? The fast ones? The ones that look like someone attached wheels to a shiny box? The ones we almost got kicked out of the show for trying to see how many people we could fit in the trunk (2, they had to spoon. It was a very small vehicle)? No, no, and no. Probably a couple more no's in there too, but I'm too lazy to count the number of hypothetical questions I just asked. I will write about the god of all cars, the automobile that others try and fail to emulate time and time again. When this car goes tearing down the road, you'd better get out of the way or you're gonna get mangled. Show some respect...



FOR THE 1998 TOYOTA CAMRY. (Mine has better hubcaps.)

Although my ex-roommate used to call it "Toby," I refer to my 1998 Toyota Camry LE by the only real name that can reflect its awesomeness- "THE CAMRY." You have to say it as if it's in all caps. Now, I have no clue as to what the word Camry actually means and Wikipedia isn't telling me, so I can only assume that it's Greek or Japanese or something for "TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME." This car ferries me to the far away town of Waukesha, Wisconsin on a daily basis, its Oregon plates with their expired tags proudly showing off that I ain't from around these parts.

"A," you may ask, using one of my 6000 nicknames, "but why is THE CAMRY so awesome? All you've really done for the past paragraph is state that it's awesome because it's awesome... you sound like you're running for president! Provide some facts."

Well, children, ask and ye shall recieve. In the form of a bulleted list, no less:

• The Camry has an amazing gray foamy stuff interior that will trap in scents for years to come. Mine STILL smells like the coffee my Dad used to drink on the way to work!
• The Camry can go from 0-60 in anywhere from 93 to 2.5 seconds. It really depends on how close you are to rear-ending the dude in front of you.
• Once I hit an iron gate with the Camry. Its front plate got dented; the gate was totalled. Goodbye good driver insurance discount! Hello super front bumper plastic!
• If it's below 0 out, the Camry sounds like an old man when it starts. Seriously, it'll tell you to get off its lawn. Silly car, you don't have a lawn, even though you are forest green!
• Looks awesome when covered in road salt.
• Apparently it doesn't need engine coolant because mine has been leaking forever and still no problems!
• The trunk was first broken open. Then the Camry corrected things and magically broke it shut!
• No anti-theft system because this car is so badass people are afraid to steal it.
• Sometimes (but only sometimes) the tires will explode when you take a curb a little too fast. But then you get sweet ass tires and really cool hubcaps, so it's all good.
• Assembled in Kentucky. KENTUCKY. Badass.

Seriously, if you want a dependable car that will live forever no matter how many times you decide to try and kill it, go for a Camry. The little bastard will not die. And that's good, because usually when your car spontaneously dies in traffic you end up not-alive to a certain extent too. Even when I eventually sell the immortal Camry and buy myself something sexy (like a Mustang or one of those new hot 2010 Toyota Camrys), it will live on in the hands of some poor college student like a 1980 Volvo that is too stupid to quit.