Adventures in Babysiting: Bigger Longer & Uncut

This story has been rated “R” by the American Writing Non-Motion-Picture Rating Service of American Activities League (AWNMPRSoAAL). For Violence, moderate language, sexuality and mature subject mater.

So on Tuesday My sister and I had the misfortune of traveling to perhaps the place where hell begins and earth ends. The home of an English teacher. As I arrived I was greeted not by Satan herself, but rather by her fellow demons. They were going to send us to a slow and painful death through the torture of babysitting [scary music]. Now if you are ever in this awkward position I recommend the following, 1) protect the demon children with your life, 2) do anything to keep them satisfied & 3) never, never go into the basement!

Now the evening started out all fine and dandy, three rowdy kids, nothing special, then came the fourth, then the fifth, then the sixth, before I could have said "I am a mother pheasant plucker, I pluck mother pheasant, I am the most plesent mother pheasant plucker, to ever pluck a mother pheasant" there was seventeen wild little children running around. There was no way for me to feed all these kids with two boxes of green macaroni and cheese! And remember rule #2 keep them satisfied. Unless I became Jesus and multiplied the mac & cheese and burritos, I was not going to survive the night. Then the though occurred to me, "WWJD...What would Jesus do?" well that was not much help, because Jesus would have just multiplied the food, but I was not Jesus, I did not have supernatural powers, or did I?

"Maybe I could pull this off!" I thought to myself, "Maybe I could be like Jesus!" For the nest hour I experimented with the boxes, I ripped them up, I threw them against walls, I even sacrificed a dead squirrel that I had found in one of the kid's mouths. None of which worked. Well maybe These people had a food locker in the basement, I mean that is where all normal people keep their extra Macaroni and cheese, right? Down in the dark, drafty, scary, incomplete, spawned from hell basements, right? Well there was one way for me to find out...I sent my sister down to investigate.

The Children began to become restless, and the seventeen, minus the one that was biting the leg of the couch started forming a mob. Yeah, like a real mob with pitchforks and torches and everything. I began to panic, I opened the door to the basement and yelled to my sister, "Laina, we kind of need that mac & cheese now!"
I will never forget her response, "Hold on, I've almost got it! The Dog is almoust finished with my leg."
"Hurry up!" I yelled. She was taking too long. Damn dog I thought, but I must have said the words aloud and the children started to scream.
"He called Tiberius as damn dog!" they screamed. "Kill 'em" said another, "Let's eat em!" "Gddlapppgggpphhhh!" mumbled the one gnawing on the couch. Damn it, they were cannibals, they massive amounts of blood on their mouths and dead children should have gave it away, but I what can I say, I’m a little slow. What could I do, then I though, I know, WWJD, what would Jesus do? But again it didn't help, because Jesus would have just converted everyone on the spot with his awesome 78 resurrection points, which would have trumped the kids' attack rating of 47, and shield deflection of 13, But the best that I had was a damn Ghandi card with a Peaceful Resistance of 81! That wouldn't even convert one St. Thomas the Doubter Insurrection card with 12 resistance points. Damn sales vendors always ripping me off on my Bible playing cards, I should have brought my King David Sling Shot card with attack rating of 67, and dodging ability of 49, that would have blown all these little kids to the moon and back. But then I remembered what Mr. Carver said about Jesus not attacking anyone, because he was a pacifist, and would have told me to turn the other cheek. So all this thinking was both wearing out my brain and wasting time. So with no luck I retreated into the basement.

Now maybe I should have stood and fought, or maybe I should have run the other way, or maybe I should pulled out my AK-47 and showed them consequence of rebellion, but no, being the dumb-ass,, (is dumb-ass hyphenated?),, that I am, I ran downstairs in retreat, like a ten year old girl. For some reason the children did not follow, they must have thought that it was unsafe. As I came downstairs I began to realize that this was no ordinary basement, for one the ceiling was 7 foot 6 where a regular basement was 7 foot 3. But that wasn't the only scary thing about it, this basement was a complete recreation of the bridge of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701! Everyone was there, Kirk, Spock, that foxxy (yes with 2 x’s) Hickeru Sulu, and even R2-D2. But I didn't have time to save the planet from the Klingons, I gave Kirk a quick punch to the face, had a little “orgy-porgy” with Sulu and R2-D2, and I was on my way. I found my sister in the holodeck where she was allowing a dog to service her leg. I shut the door and continued down the corridor. Where I found it, the storage room.

I opened the door and entered, mounds after mounds of mac & cheese were piled to the sky. However there was no sky, because this was a basement, and it had a ceiling, rather that was just a figure of speech, meant to convey how large the stacks were. I grabbed a few boxes and began to leave the room when I had a revelation, an epiphany if you will. The greatest minds in History were there, Jesus, Spock, and Billy Joel. Billy Joel had a little pocket piano that he was playing and singing Only the good die young. Spock was shaking his head in frustration, and Jesus was picking his nose when I walked through the door. Jesus stopped and stated to speak, "What you do the least of these you do to me." Billy Joel asked me if I had any spare cash on me and for some beer, and Spock, just said "Live Long and Prosper" These words inspired me to become a better man. I ran upstairs an started feeding the children, and everything was alright. Until I found out that I had gone to the wrong house that night and I was supposed to be babysitting for the people next door. Damn