Gravy

College is stressful, especially at the high-caliber universities we are all attending. So during the weekends kids get together and have mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are good, they make you feel happy and are full of good nutritious things. I enjoy mashed potatoes at least once, sometimes two or three times a weekend. The trouble comes when you start adding gravy. Gravy seems to me like it’s overkill and unnecessary. I mean, you’ve already got delicious mashed potatoes, why would you ruin it with something that can have such negative consequences, like clogged arteries and unsightly fat buildup? Now gravy in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, as some Greek guy once said “The dose makes the poison” and he’s right. The thing with gravy is once you have some, it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing to have some more, and pretty soon you’ve gone over your daily saturated fat allotment and that’s not good at all. Trust me on this one. I had just the smallest amount of gravy you can get and still be able to taste it. And suddenly I had the biggest hunger for more, a lot more and higher concentration. So I had the gravy, without even the mashed potatoes. And it made me unhealthy. But I really liked it. By the grace of God I was stopped from having any more, but it affected me all night. I didn’t want to admit to having the gravy because I knew I was a leader and should know better. I knew this even as I was going to get that big ladleful. But my judgment was clouded and I made a mistake. I hope some good can come from it though. I haven’t had any gravy since and don’t plan on it. I’ve had plenty of mashed potatoes though. That gravy scares me. It does weird things to people. I don’t want to come home for Christmas and see you all different and fat from the gravy. And it’s dangerous. There are people out there who wait for people to get fat on gravy so they can sell them diet pills. Trust me, those people are out there and if someone sells you diet pills because of the gravy, I would feel obligated to come and make sure they could never sell any more ever. (And then I might get arrested, and let’s face it, with as nice an ass as I’ve got, I would not do well in prison.) It puts friends in the uncomfortable position of feeling the need to stop keep watch on their friends and protect them. When you think about putting gravy on your mashed potatoes is really a selfish act. And it reveals some serious insecurities. It makes your friends worry about health and puts you at an increased risk for heart disease. And we love you too much to let you have a heart attack, especially this young. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think that gravy is a healthy choice at this point in our lives. I know we are better than it. Some day soon all of us can get together and enjoy some gravy on our mashed potatoes. We all trust each other. But there are a lot of diet pill salesman and other unknowns that don’t ever exist unless you start adding gravy to your potatoes. So just put some cranberry sauce on them instead. It tastes better and is a lot healthier. Thanks for your time. Remember, the government made the food pyramid for a reason. So we could defeat those damn Communists! And we did. God bless America.

Post script
If you are Fr. Ganz’s lawyer, I plead the First. And Fifth. Maybe the Twenty-First, too.